


Letters She Never Meant To Send

by sam_goodie22



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-20 01:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9469559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sam_goodie22/pseuds/sam_goodie22
Summary: Letters are good ways to explain how you feel. But what happens when a letter Lily Evans writes for herself and no one else to see, is sent to the very person it is written for? Secrets are exposed. Feelings are explained. Things get messy.





	

After 3 years of James Potter asking me out, he finally stopped. Once he stopped, we agreed to be friends and get to know each other. Life was so much more peaceful. Having to hex someone every two days for 3 years just to prove a point that should’ve been proven long ago, wears a girl out. But, as the weeks leading up to the long awaited Christmas break came to a close, I came to the realisation that maybe, just maybe, James Potter wasn’t that bad.  
I was sitting in the library packing up my books, letting my mind wander, the week before the Hogwarts Express left for King’s Cross Station to take students to their waiting families, when it hit me. I suddenly understood everything that had happened over the past few weeks. I understood why I got tingles down my spine and butterflies in my stomach every time he was near me. James Potter had officially worn me down. He had made me fall for his charms. But, no matter how many times he asked, I would never say yes. Never.

——————————————————————————————

“Hey Lily! How are you on this fine Saturday morning?” Better now that you’re here, and the butterflies are awake too.  
“I’m good Potter, how’re you?” I replied, trying my hardest, as I had for the past few days, to keep my voice steady and not give anything away.  
“So, lovely Lily, I have a question for you.” he said as he started to load his plate with bacon and eggs, as well as 4 pancakes topped with blueberries and maple syrup. “How could you so harshly reject this charm and beauty for so long?” Oh god.  
“Well, if you must know Mr. Potter, that is none of your business.” I replied, standing up and leaving the Great Hall, having lost all my appetite. It really was none of his business, and to be honest, I didn’t have an answer. I knew that me leaving like that was an overreaction, and it was likely to make James suspicious, but I couldn’t answer and I couldn’t stay in there. So, as I made the walk up the stairs to the Common Room, every step I took was a reminder of how obvious I had made it that I fancied James, and how stupid I had made myself look. Great, just what I need to top off what was supposed to be an amazing day with my friends on the train to see my family. 

——————————————————————————————

“So Lily. What do you have planned for the next 2 weeks?” Marlene, one of my 3 best friends asked as we finally settled in a compartment on the train.  
“Well, I’ll probably just stay in with my family, maybe see a few of my Muggle friends, you know, the same thing I do every Christmas break.”  
“Well, sounds like it’ll be a hoot.” she replied with a roll of her eyes and a smirk on her face. “I’m going to Ireland for a week, then home for Christmas, then back to school.”  
“Yeah, we get it. Your holidays are always exciting.” Mary chimed in. “I’ll probably be spending time with my grandpa because mum and dad are off on a mission for the Auror department.”  
“Oh couldn’t they get it off?” I asked.  
“It’s not that kind of work Lily. They can’t just stop following important leads to Death Eaters just so they can spend a few days with me. Besides, I don’t mind so much. I know they’re doing it to protect me. And I haven’t seen my grandpa in ages, so that’ll be nice.” She replied. That’s what I loved about Mary, she was always willing to look at the bright side of a dark situation.  
“Oh ok. So, what about you Alice?” We all turned our heads to look towards the other member of our group. This proved to be a bad idea, as we turned and saw her making out with her boyfriend Frank. Not a sight I ever wanted to see, and I am now scarred for life.  
“Oh ew!” Marlene yelled, catching the attention of the two young lovebirds. “Get a room! No one wants to see that!”  
“Oh sorry guys, I just figured you would talk to each other and ignore us.”  
“Well, we asked you a question. This is why I never ask questions in class! I’m permanently scarred beyond the point of return. I will never be the same, and that image will be burnt into my nightmares.” Marlene always was the dramatic one.  
“Oh calm down, it’s not like you haven’t done the same thing with Black.” Alice retorted as Marlene blushed at the name of her long time fling.  
“That is completely different. We aren’t dating. Just…..you know, friends with benefits?”  
“Oh cut the act Marls. We all know you like him.”  
“Y-yeah? Well what about Lily and James huh? You seem awfully close to him considering you hated him not 2 months ago.” I blush at the sound of his name, but willed myself to stop as all eyes in the compartment were on me.  
“Oh, nothing is going on, we’re just friends.” I said, hoping I was nonchalant enough for them to forget everything.  
“Oh no no no honey. We’ve all seen you over the past 3 weeks. You seem….chummy with him.” Marlene fired back.  
“Well, I don’t know what you think you’re seeing, but I don’t like Jam-Potter. We’re just friends.”  
“Yeah, ok. You tell yourself that.” I will thanks. “Anyway, what about you Mary? Anyone in mind?” As the conversation droned on, I stared out the window at the countryside flicking by, whilst thinking about everything Marlene had said to me. Was I making it that obvious? This is so embarrassing! I can’t let James know I like him. I know just what to do. When I get home and have settled down, I’ll write a list of all the things I like about him and all the things I don’t like about him. That way I’ll be able to see that the bad things about him outweigh the good things and I’ll come to my senses and realise this was all just a silly passing crush.

——————————————————————————————

A few hours later, when I stepped off the train at the station, I looked around for my parents and sister. I know I shouldn’t expect Tuney to be there, due to the fact that we don’t get along anymore, but even 6 years later, I just can’t help but hope. I never fail to feel an unpleasant and often unexpected disappointment when she doesn’t show. But, as I have for the past 6 years, I put this behind me, forgetting it ever existed before I stopped scanning and found my parents. As they were perfectly normal Muggle surrounded by witches and wizards, they stuck out like a sore thumb, and before long I was running into the warm and gentle arms of my mum and dad.  
“Lily, honey, it’s so good to see you again! How’ve you been?” Mum rushed out as she pushed back my shoulders so she could look me in the deep green eyes that I inherited from her.  
“I’ve been really good! Super busy but really good. What about you and dad? What have you been doing?”  
“Well, Lily, we have some news for you. We, well we actually decided, since Tuney has moved out, that we’d move houses. I know this is a shock to you, and that we should’ve told you earlier, but we wanted it to be a surprise.” Dad said as I turned to hug him.  
“O-oh ok. That’s fine. As long as all my stuff made it, I’m fine I guess.” This is not what I was expecting. “Anyway, let’s get going, I wanna see my new room!” I said with what I hope was an enthusiastic smile on my face.

The car ride was a strange one. Not often do I come home from school for a holiday and the car ride is silent. The only sound coming from the static-y radio in my parents beat up old car.  
As we pulled into the drive of a foreign house, I looked up and saw what seemed to be bigger house than the one we moved out of. I walked through the door and smelt new furniture and old dust. When dad carried my trunk and put it over near the new leather couch, he smiled the biggest smile I had seem from him in a long time as said, “Welcome home Lily.”  
I didn’t have the guts to tell him that, no matter how much time I spent in this house, it would never be home to me.  
The tour that mum and dad gave me proved that this house was, in fact, bigger than the one we moved out of. As we finally came to the room that had been labelled mine, I opened the door and found all my things, almost in the same place I had them in my old room, but in a bigger, more spread out space. I turned to my mum and dad with what must have been shock etched on my face.  
“Well, we knew how much you loved your old room, and we wanted to make this one as similar as we could. Think of it as a ‘sorry we moved you out of the place you grew up in, into a place we know you’re only pretending to like so you won’t hurt your parent’s feelings’ present.”  
“Oh mum. How did you know?” I asked  
“We’re your parents Lily, we know you well enough to know when you’re pretending and when you’re being genuine.”  
“I’m so sorry, but this place is so different! I just wasn’t expecting this, and I know I’ll warm up to it soon enough, I just need to get used to it first.”  
“We know Lils.” My mum chuckled. “We know you, and we know you’ll learn to love it like you do everything else that crosses your path. You just have to take some time to find the nooks and crannies that we had built into it. Get to know the place and you’ll love it like you love your books.”  
“Oh thank you so much mum. Thanks for everything.”  
“We couldn’t ask for a better daughter to be blessed with Lily.” Dad said as he looped his hand around mum’s waist.

——————————————————————————————

I sat down at my desk, which faced one of the two large windows in my room. I had to get this list over and done with, so I could forget about it and move on. I took out an ink pot, my favourite quill and some left over parchment, and dipped the quill into the ink pot, before I finally start to write.

Dear James,  
If I’m 100% honest, I don’t really know where this letter is going, or if it’s going to help the dilemma I’m in. You see, earlier in the week, you asked me why I continued to say no to you every time you asked me out. I walked out on you, because, I’m not sure if you realised, but had you asked me that day to go out with you, I would’ve said yes. But, the reason I kept saying no, was what I was hoping to explain in this letter.  
It’s not because I don’t like you, because believe me, I do.  
It’s not because you’re not funny, because you are.  
It’s definitely not because you’re not smart, because Remus told me about your Animagus forms and that’s not something a dumb wizard or witch could achieve.  
It’s not because you’re not loyal, because I know what you would do for your friends, and it blows my mind.  
It’s not because you’re immature, because I know you can be serious when it counts.  
It’s because I felt like you didn’t know me. I felt like the only reason you liked me is because you thought I was pretty, and I would help you with your homework. That’s why I said no. I’m not sure if you’ve picked up on it, but in the last 6 weeks, I’ve been happier than I have ever been before, because you wanted to be my friend and you wanted to get to know me as a person rather than a potential girlfriend. And that was nice, that was refreshing, and it was fun. I learnt so much about you, about your friends and your family. And I liked it. I really liked it, and that scared me. I never thought I could like the arrogant toe rag that was James Potter. The annoying teenage boy who thought he owned the world. But the truth is James, you do. From the past few weeks, I have learnt that you do own the world. Your friends and family are your world and you would do anything for them. And that is why, if you asked me to go out with you, grand and over-the-top, like the way you first did, or small and meaningful like the way you did in Fourth year, I would say yes.  
Love, Lily 

I reread what I had written twice before deciding that I was never going to send the letter. No one was ever going to see it so I stood up from my chair, and went to lay down on my bed. It felt so much better to get that off my chest, but that was not the original plan. I planned to write why I didn’t like him, which would make me realise that it was a silly crush and I would be over it by the time the Christmas holidays were over. No, that’s not what happened. I only realised that this was more than a silly schoolgirl crush that I would get over. This meant something, and I was going to ignore it, like the mature 17 year old girl I was. 

——————————————————————————————

It was Christmas Eve, and Tuney was coming for dinner with her dreadful boyfriend Vernon. I was not excited. Tuney was always so mean to me, no matter what I did, and Vernon was always too busy stuffing his face with food to ever say more than 2 words to me, unless it was about his drilling company. But, nevertheless, I grabbed out my favourite pair of jeans and the nicest top I could find before putting them on and walking downstairs into the kitchen, where mum was busily running to finish the food before the ‘guests’ arrived.  
“Hey mum. Was there anything you wanted me to help you with? I’m all ready and have nothing to do.”  
“Oh Lils, it’d be wonderful if you could get out the nice china we have. It’s in the laundry on the top shelf above the dryer.”  
“Sure thing! I’ll be right back.” As I walked to the laundry to get the plates, the doorbell rang. “Don’t worry mum, I’ve got it!” I yelled across the house as I ran to open the door. Standing there, as I suspected, was Tuney and her boyfriend. “Hey guys, come on in.” I greeted as cheerfully as I could, as I stepped aside to let them in.  
“Hi freak. Vernon, this way.”  
“Well, glad to see nothing has changed.” I muttered under my breath as I closed the front door and went to grab the china.

Dinner was a long affair, which passed by with little contribution from me. I was just waiting for this to be over because I was tired. But I knew that Petunia still wanted to have a look around our new house. Just because she wasn’t interested in my life, doesn’t mean she didn’t care about mum and dad.  
The night dragged on. Some presents were put under the tree to be opened for tomorrow, and then I went up to my room to get ready for bed. As I was taking off my makeup, brushing my teeth and my hair in the bathroom, I heard something in my room next door, and rushed to see what it was. I walked into my room, and to my surprise, I saw Petunia standing over near my desk, looking out the window. What was she doing? I was sure mum had shown her the whole house. Besides, my room was MINE. It was my place to be myself and ignore all the problems I have with Tuney, and everything going on in the wizarding world.  
“Tuney? What are you doing in here?”  
“Don’t call me that!” She snapped, turning around on her heel to face me. “I was just looking. This was the only room I hadn’t seen and I was curious. Don’t read into it.” Naturally I was suspicious.  
“Oh. Well then, I’m going to bed, so night.”  
“Bye.” 

——————————————————————————————

Letting the letter I had written fall from my mind, the time spent at home was void of anything memorable. When the time came for me to return to Hogwarts, I was beyond the feeling of relief. I was ecstatic. As much as I loved my family, I was ready to go back to my real home. That’s what Hogwarts had become for me. Home. Somewhere familiar that I spent everyday exploring, somewhere I felt safe and somewhere that fed me with all sorts of food, all the things a home should be. When the time finally came for me to board the train, I grabbed my things, and went to find a compartment. I didn’t know what I expected to feel when I ran into James, but my heart twisting and my stomach being stampeded by butterflies was not it. As my emerald eyes drowned his hazel ones, I finally comprehended what I had written in that letter, and knew that I was helpless. I was head over heels for this boy. And I was going to hide it like a true pro.  
“Potter. How was your holiday?” I said, ignoring the sweaty palms I could feel.  
“Lily! It was good. But that’s not really important. What about yours?”  
He seemed eager to change the subject, and I wasn’t going to push him. “It was good thanks! Time with Petunia is always time wasted.”  
“At least you weren’t stuck with Sirius all summer.” I laughed as I heard Sirius yell ‘Oi! You love having me around!” down the corridor at James.  
“Well, I-I gotta go find the girls and get a compartment, I’ll see you later.” I stutter and pray to Merlin that James overlooks my strange behaviour and moves on.

He didn’t. He noticed. I know this because when I went to the Heads compartment with him to hand out the Prefect rounds timetable for the term, he cornered me after we had dismissed everyone.  
“Hey Lily, are you ok? You’re acting…different. Not in a bad way, just odd.”  
“I’m fine James, I-I just have a lot to think about right now, between school, my parents moving house, my sister and me lik-. And other personal things.” I was shaking and I think he could tell.  
“Lily, are-are you sure you’re ok? It’s just, you’re shaking and, well, your neck is all red.” Shit. He picked up on my growing embarrassment.  
“Y-yeah, I’m all good. I’m gonna go…find the girls before we arrive. See you at the feast.” I walked past him with my head facing the floor and my hair covering my face, which, with my embarrassment, had grown the same colour as my fiery red hair.

——————————————————————————————

“So, it took us telling you millions of times, writing a letter, and seeing him in person for you to realise that maybe this isn’t a passing phase? That maybe, this is the real deal? Wow, and people say you’re the smartest Muggleborn in Hogwarts.” said Marlene.  
“Well, when you say it like that….” I trailed off. “I-I just. I don’t know ok.” It was at this point that Dorcas decided to chime in.  
“Look, I know this is a big thing for you, but in all honesty are you really surprised? I mean, it’s a classic boy meets girl, boy loves girl but girl hates boy, boy tries to win over girl, girl falls for boy, boy and girl get together and have many children with black hair and emerald eyes, tale. Happens all the time.”  
“Dor, Marls. Maybe just calm down a little.” Mary put in, but we all ignored her as I raised my voice at the two girls sitting opposite me.  
“Wow, I wonder who’s story you’re thinking of! There is so many to choose from, it’s basically the most common storyline!” I snap at them, all my patience thrown out the window. I was telling them something I hadn’t even fully accepted myself, and they were mocking me? “You know what? I’m-I’m just gonna go. I’ll see you guys later.” I jumped up off my comfy four-poster bed and walked out, making sure to slam the door of my dorm room closed with as much force as I could muster.

Normally when I was fed up with people, I would go to the library and take my anger out on a Charms essay, or a Transfiguration assignment. But this time was different. I didn’t want to be found. At all. So, knowing that the Library was too predictable and that Marlene, Mary and Dorcas would find me faster than I was ready to be found, I opted for a new hiding place. The Kitchens. The walk down was filled with silence. I had never heard silence so loud. The blood was pumping through my veins so fast and heavy, I could hear it in my ears. My head was so full of thoughts and feelings that hard for me to concentrate on one single piece for more than a mer second. When I reached my destination, I tickled the pear, then walked in to be greeted by the house elves.  
“Miss Lily! How wonderful it is to see you! Ivy has missed you very much!” I was almost pushed over from the force of Ivy -my favourite little elf- running and jumping to hug me. For such a small creature, she sure can hold on tight.  
“I’ve missed you too Ivy!” I replied, as I placed her back on the floor.  
“What can Ivy get for you Miss Lily? Would you like some cake? Pudding? Maybe some Pumpkin Juice? You’re favourite Muggle drink, Coffee?”  
“Oh Ivy, no thank you. I was just coming here to sit for a while. I need some time just to think.”  
“Is Miss Lily ok? Does Miss Lily want to talk about it?”  
“No thank you Ivy. I just need to think over some things, but I promise that if I need anything, I will let you know.”  
“Is Miss Lily is sure she is ok….”  
“I promise Ivy.” I half-laugh, half-speak.  
“Ok then, Ivy will leave Miss Lily to it then.”

The quiet works wonders for some people, others not so much. I was part of the former. It was only in the occasional silent moments that I could properly process and begin to understand what I was feeling and thinking. I knew what I felt towards James before I told my friends, but that didn’t mean I completely understood it. But, as I sat there in the silence, with nothing but the quiet, distant hum of the house elves working, I worked it out and I understood. And there was nothing as satisfying to me, than understanding.

——————————————————————————————

As I promised Ivy that I would come visit again soon I heard the small, quiet yet distinctive giggle of the pear. Someone was outside trying to get into the kitchens. When the door opened, I knew I wasn’t going to be leaving any time soon.  
“Lily! Marlene, Mary and Dorcas are really worried about you! What are you doing here?”  
“What does it look like? I was….well, actually I came down here to think. I didn’t want to be found, and I knew the first place they would look was the Library, so…I came here.”  
“Oh. Well, we’ve gotta tell everyone that we found you. We’ve all been so worried. Oh, hi Ivy. I’ll be back in a minute ok, just gotta take Lily back up to the Gryffindor Tower, in case she runs off again.”  
“Come back soon Mister James and Miss Lily!” I heard Ivy yell before the portrait door swung closed and she was gone from view.  
“We? Who is we?” I asked, confused as to who we might’ve been. I understand the girls being worried, but who else?  
“Well, Marlene, Dorcas and Mary, obviously, but also me, Sirius and Remus. And probably Peter too, if he wasn’t too busy snoring away.”  
“Oh. I-I didn’t think it would matter, I just needed to think. I needed to be alone…I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to make you all worry.”  
“Of course we worry Lily, we all care about you. A lot.” As we reached the portrait and walked into the Common Room, I was almost pushed to the floor with the force that the girls ran at me.  
“LILY ELIZABETH EVANS! DON’T YOU EVER GO MISSING LIKE THAT AGAIN, PISSED OFF AT US OR NOT!” Marlene yelled into my left ear.  
“I SWEAR TO GOD LILY. WE WERE ALL SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU. YOU COULD’VE BEEN ANYWHERE AND THIS CASTLE IS HUGE. FUCKING HUGE.” Dorcas yelling into the other one.  
“I know guys,” I say as I give a quick hug to Mary, then step back and stand awkwardly next to James, who was smiling at the scene unfolding before him. “I didn’t think about it, I just needed to be alone so I could…process some stuff.”  
“Yeah, we know. And we’re really sorry for pushing you. We didn’t mean to make you mad.”  
“I would just like to say, I warned you guys.” We all laughed at Mary’s words, then said goodnight to the boys and went to bed.

——————————————————————————————

The morning after my time in the kitchens seemed normal. I got the Daily Prophet delivered like I did every other day. But I also got a cryptic note. It wasn’t signed by anyone and I have no idea whose handwriting it was. All it said was ‘don’t be mad’. Needless to say I was confused, but the note and it’s contents slipped from my mind as I looked at my watch and realised I was going to be late to the first class of the day if I didn’t leave now. So, I rushed out of the Great Hall, up to my dormitory to get ready for the day. In my rush, I ran into a hard body, bouncing back and falling on my butt in the middle of the corridor.  
“Oh my god, I am so sorry, I was in such a rush, I wasn’t watc-” I spluttered out, apologising to the boy I had run into.  
“Lily, it’s fine.” I look up at the sound of Sirius’ voice as he offers me his hand. “I was actually looking for you…” I took his hand and pulled myself to my feet.  
“Me? You were looking for me? Why?”  
“Well, James got a letter this morning. From you. But, I don’t think you sent him a letter. At least, not this one.” My mind immediately jumped to the letter I wrote over the Christmas break. I knew it couldn’t be THAT letter, because I was the only person who knew about it, and I’m pretty sure no one else was near my desk.  
“Uh, what was in the letter? I don’t remember writing him a letter. Why would I write a letter, I could just say it to his face.”  
“Well, uh. Ar-are you sure you want to know? I mean, it’s, uh, how do I put this?” Sirius stops to think for a second before saying “The letter is basically you telling him why you kept rejecting him but in the process explaining why you like him?” It came out as a question. And my stomach dropped. My eyes widened like saucers. Then they welled up.  
“That was meant to be private.” I whispered. Now it was Sirius’ turn to look surprised.  
“You-you wrote that? It was actually you?”  
I sniffle and nod. My legs feel like jelly and I can’t see straight. Next thing I know, I am lying on the floor bawling my eyes out, with a stricken and concerned teenage boy standing above me, unsure of what to do.

——————————————————————————————

No matter what James tried, I was able to avoid him. But it was like he had a map that showed where I was every second of every minute of every day. He always knew where to find me and no secret hiding place was good enough. I was doing Heads patrol 2 days after the letter and I was walking past a blank wall on the seventh floor. This was the third time I had passed it, and I knew something was odd about a blank wall this big. As I walked past, the sound of moving stones turned me around, to find a large oak door, much like the front door of my old house in the Muggle world. Curiosity overtook me, as I looked to make sure no one was watching me, before gently turning the handle of the door and pushing. The inside was exactly what I needed to see. Something familiar, somewhere I felt safe, and somewhere no one else knew. I walked around the ‘house’ and marvelled at the accuracy of the recreation. Everything was perfectly replicated and the same as I remembered it. I made myself a cup of tea in the kitchen, before I finally came to the room that was once mine. My bed was the most inviting thing I had ever seen at this point, and I walked over, laid down, and stared at the ceiling. It was so loud. I had never heard silence so loud and I couldn’t escape the buzz of thoughts and emotions running around my head. James knew. He really knew, and I have no idea who sent that letter. I racked my brain for anyone who was ever near that letter, and the only person I could remember was Petunia. There was no way she would do anything like this, even if she thought she was helping me, she doesn’t care enough. She would never care enough. But still, she was the only one who was near the letter. 

I wasted no time in writing Tuney a letter of her own when I left the comfort of home. I went to the library and wrote furiously on the paper, until a sympathetic voice interrupted my thoughts.  
“No need to attack the paper Lily. What did it ever do to you?”  
“I have words I need to get out and a very important letter to send, Mary. I think I know who sent my letter.”  
“Oh shit, who?”  
I take a deep breath before saying, “My sister, Petunia.”  
“What, really?”  
“I think so. She was the only one I remember being anywhere near the letter other than me. But I don’t understand why she did it. If she thought she was being nice, why would she do it? She doesn’t care about me. And if she wasn’t doing it to be nice, then she was doing it to hurt me. And trust me, she hurt me. That was meant to be private. That was for me and me only.”  
“Maybe she thought she was helping you. Ya’know, doing something she didn’t think you would.”  
“Well, I wished she didn’t. I’ve been avoiding him because I’m embarrassed.”  
“I know you are honey. I would be mortified, but sometimes you gotta take the bull by it’s horns.” She sighs before continuing. “Lily, James makes you really happy. We can tell and we want you to be happy, so we will support you no matter what you choose to do from here. Whether that be ignoring him and shutting him out, or going after him and explaining what happened. Just, don’t do anything you’ll look back on in 5 years and regret.” That was what I needed to hear. I needed to know that my friends had my back and that I was going to be ok, no matter what I chose to do here on out.  
“I know Mary.” I take a deep breath before scrunching up the letter I had previously been writing. “I don’t want to know who did this. I know whoever it was, cough - Petunia - cough had a reason and I am going to lay my curiosity to rest and say that I don’t want to know. I need more time though. I need time to think about what I’m going to say, you know, to minimise the embarrassment.”  
“Oh Lily. I knew you’d choose the right thing to do. And I know it’s gonna be hard, and honestly, probably really embarrassing, but you won’t regret it. You’ll feel lighter, knowing that you are gonna get what you want.”

——————————————————————————————

Another 2 weeks of classes, homework and head rounds passed before I stopped avoiding James. Not that I went looking for him, but I didn’t run the other way when I saw him either. During those 2 weeks, the room containing my old house had quickly become my favourite place to sit and think. It was like the room knew what I needed, and I loved it. I still didn’t know the exact function of the room, but I was happy not knowing everything for once. But, one day as I walked past the blank wall, I heard something. I walked up and put my ear up to the cool bricks, the sensation tingling on my cheek.  
“Prongs, you know she likes you, just ask her out.” I heard Peter say. Me. They were talking about me.  
“Pete, it’s not that simple. I-I want to do it right this time. I want to make the rest of them seem as if they were thought of by a 10 year old. I want her to remember this, and I want it to mean something.” I had heard enough. I felt like I was intruding and I didn’t like that. As much as I wanted to know what James was planning, if he was planning something, I knew I would have to wait. Because looking down at my watch, I saw that I was already 10 minutes late to Herbology.  
“Shit!” I yelled as I picked my bag up off the floor and ran down the corridor towards the greenhouses. I could’ve sworn I heard someone say my name as I ran away.

“And he said he wanted to make ‘her’ remember it.” I relayed the story of what I had heard earlier to Mary, Dorcas and Marlene in our dorm after dinner.  
“Well, if you wanna know so desperately, I can ask Sirius for you.” Marlene said. Over the last month or so, the two have gotten really close. Marls told me she really liked him in a letter, 2 or 3 days into the Christmas Break. I was so happy for her that I forgot to write back, but I definitely know she is head over heels for that boy. He better appreciate her, cause she truly loves him and I would hate for him to break her.  
“No, this is my problem and I’ll deal with it, but the heads up they have unknowingly given me is very much appreciated. It’s given me time to think about it. And, besides I need to talk to James about…that thing anyway, so this’ll give me a chance.” I got off my four-poster bed and walk to the door before turning around and saying, “Guys, I’m about to do something really dumb. Don’t come after me, and don’t tell anyone that I’m not where I should be.” before spinning on my heel and closing the dorm room door behind me.

——————————————————————————————

The walk to my destination was kinda nerve wracking for me. All I could hear was the blood pumping through my ears. All I could feel was my heart beating in my chest. Beating and beating. Never stopping, never calming down. I suppose I would’ve been worried if it stopped beating, but I didn’t have time to think about the logic of it before I was standing in front of the door that was concealing everything I needed. Everything that was important to me in that moment. As I raise my hand and curl my knuckles into a fist ready to knock, I hesitate for a moment. In that small moment of doubt, a thousand outcomes crossed my mind. All of them turning out worse than the one before it. Just as I let fear overtake and turn to walk back to my dorm before I did something I would regret, I heard the door that was facing my back creak. I winced then spun around as I heard someone say my name.  
“Hey there James, how ya doing? Good? That’s good. Well, I should be going, so I’ll see you later….” I drag on, as I start walking down the staircase, before he grabbed my wrist and pulled me closer to him.  
“Lily…What are you doing outside my dormitory? At 10:30pm? On a school night? You’re not stalking me are you, cause I don’t think that’s the best way to catch my attent-”  
“Ok, I get it.” I say cutting him off. “I need to talk to you James.”  
“Well, right this way. I know the perfect place.”  
The walk to the big blank wall was quiet, but as soon as I realised where we were headed, I stopped in my tracks, pulling James back to me with the hand I only just realised he was still holding.  
“James, why are we going to that special room? The one that changed to my old house?”  
“Oh, so you know about the Room of Requirement?” He asked me, again, pulling me towards the room.  
“Well, kinda. When I was, uh, when I wasn’t talking to you, I walked past here a few times wishing I was back in my old house, and eventually there was a door. I walked in and it was my old house. Layout and everything. Exactly how I remember leaving it at the start of September.”  
“Well, that is the function of the room. You walk past it three times thinking about what you want most, and then a door will appear leading you to thing you wanted. That’s how it works.”  
Well, that makes sense.  
“So, what is the function of the room we’re going into?” I ask.  
“Just a comfy room with a cup of tea for each of us.” He replies with his trademark smirk resting comfortably on his lips.  
“Perfect.”

 

“So, you were about to walk away from my bedroom door. I’m just gonna assume you wanted to talk to someone, and since you have run away, I’m also going to assume it was me?”  
“Well, yeah.” I took a deep breathe before continuing. “I need to get this out, and I know if I start and you interrupt me, I’ll just go back to ignoring you and, I’m not gonna lie, I don’t want that. So, it may take a while, but I need you to just sit and listen. Is that something you can do?”  
“You have so little faith in me. Yes I can do that.”  
I take another few deep breaths before I start to explain. “So I guess I should start by explaining the letter. Yes, I wrote that, but I never intended for you, well for anyone, to see it. I never showed it to anyone, and the only person I think could’ve sent it is Petunia. I’m still trying to work it out, but back to the actual letter. I meant every word I said, every single word. I truly think you are a great guy and that only thing I regret is not realising it sooner. You don’t even realise how much you do for your friends. I know what you do for Remus every month, and as much as I wish you didn’t put yourself in danger like that, I can only sit back and admire your loyalty. You are such a selfless person and I love how much you care. Everything in that letter was true. And I am super embarrassed now, so I’m just gonna stop talking…” I concluded, not really sure what to say next. The silence that followed was so uncomfortable for me. “James, anytime you’d like to say something would be great.”  
“Oh sorry. Wow. That-that is the best thing you could’ve said to me. Because I have something for you. You have to promise you won’t open it until I’m gone, but please, read it. It’s important.” He said, as he pulled something out of his back pocket and placing it in my awaiting hands. “Goodnight Lily.” He stood, lightly kissed my forehead, then turned to leave.  
“Wait.” I stood, and ran over to him. “What do I do once I’ve read it?” I asked.  
“Come find me.”

——————————————————————————————

The suspense was killing me. I sat staring at the letter James wrote me for about 20 minutes before deciding to read it. Whatever I was hoping to find, my unknown expectations were blown into tiny pieces. The letter was everything I was hoping for, and more.

Dear Lily,  
This is an odd situation we’ve found ourselves in. I have liked you for years, 4 years to be specific. In those 4 years, never in my wildest dreams did I think you would like me back, because, like every other teenage boy, I am insanely insecure. I saw no reason for you to see anything worth loving in me. Because, let’s face it, I’m immature. I never seem to take things seriously, and I feel like that’s not the sort of thing you would look for in a guy. But no matter how much I professed my love to you, embarrassed myself, asked you out, the answer was always no. And it took me a while, but I finally understand why. Because you didn’t know me. You knew nothing about me as a person, and the things I would do for someone I love. But over the past couple of months, you’ve gotten to know me. And, since you wrote me a letter, whether it was intended for me to see or not, I figured I may as well return the favour.  
Lily, I don’t understand how you are as wonderful as you are. There has been times that you are the only reason I smile. There has been times I cursed your name for not realising that I meant every word I said, every single time I asked you to go to Hogsmeade with me. And, of course there has been times that I just wished you made it easier to hate you, like you did when you were avoiding me. But, all in all, the main reason I am writing this is because I want you to know just how much you mean to me. You will never be able to comprehend how much you mean to me, because I will never be able to find a way to put it into words that can even compare. No one has ever been so beautiful, smart, funny, kind and loving as you are. I see the things you do for Remus after a full moon. I see the time you put into your friends. I also admire the time of day that you give to the poor first years that get lost. But overall, I am most appreciative of the time of day that you gave me. Because it only made me realise that I like you a whole lot more than I thought. I have a huge thing for you Lily. You are the reason I wake up smiling every morning. The reason I see the beauty in others. You are the reason I see good in the world, and you are the reason I can fall asleep knowing that, maybe, I’m not such a bad guy in the end.  
As much as I would love to say that this is going to be easy from here on out, I doubt that it going to be the case. I know you are going to want time to think, and I know this is going to be hard for you. So, darling, take your time. I have waited 4 years, I’m sure another week or so won’t kill me. I’m going to ask the question and give you time to think about it.  
Lily, will you go to Hogsmeade with me next Saturday?  
Patiently waiting for you to decide and make a choice that you won’t regret,  
James.

I knew what I had to do. There was no way I was going to make him wait a week. Not when I had been waiting for this moment for weeks. Not when I already knew I loved him back.

——————————————————————————————

I slept on it. And let me tell you, I had never had a worse night sleep. It was like someone had put itching powder in my pants. I couldn’t lay still long enough to get comfortable to sleep. So, by the time the sun was starting to peak out over the horizon, I was sitting on the sofa in front of the fire in the common room, looking out the window. Sure, I was tired, but the anticipation was too much for me to handle, and the anxiety of what I had planned got to me. I knew this was what I wanted and this is was how I wanted to do it, but there was always going to be some sort of negative nagging thought in the back of my mind. Before long, I could feel someone standing over my shoulder. Time flies when you’re stressing.  
“Morning Lily. You ready to go down to breakfast?” Mary’s voice broke me out of my thoughts.  
“Morning Mary. I sure am.” I was not ready to go down to breakfast. I knew James was already there and I knew this what I wanted, but the nerves were still there.  
“Right, let’s go. I’m starving. Oh, I hope they have waffles today.”  
Mary’s pointless rambling, while slightly annoying on most mornings, was greatly appreciated, as it kept my mind off what was to come. When we arrived in front of the Great Hall, I hesitated before taking a deep breath and walking in. Mary had found us a seat next to Alice and Frank which was odd because I thought they had a fight and broke up a week ago. Apparently they’re back together.  
“Morning Lily.”  
“Morning Alice, Frank.”  
“You ok there? You look really distracted.” I hate that Frank is so observant.  
“Yeah, I’m good. Just worried about school. I’ve made the mistake of thinking about the future again.” I reply, hoping to get them all off my back. It worked. As I hoped, Frank took off rambling about his potions grade and being a healer. That was when I heard it. The mail was here. And now was my time to keep my eye on James.

The note I left on the lollies I got James did it’s job. 3 hours later, during our lunch hour, James was waiting for me outside under the tree near the Lake. Wrapped up in his Gryffindor scarf, and a warm, long winter coat, he looked mighty fine. As I approached, I was mentally assuring myself that this was the right thing.  
“James, hey. I see you got my note?”  
“Lily? It was you that wrote the note? I never would’ve guessed from your handwriting!”  
“Oh shut up!” I say, giggling in a way that only James could make me. “So, I read your letter. And I know what I want.”  
“Well, getting right to the point I see. So, what have you decided?”  
“Yes. I will go to Hogsmeade with you on Saturday. But I have one condition for you.”  
“Oh, do you now?” He said, cocking an eyebrow.  
“Yes. I refuse to go to Madam Puddifoots. That place is horrible. Too much pink.”  
He burst into deep chuckles before saying, “Anything for my wonderful girlfriend.”  
“Oh, is that what I am now? Your girlfriend?”  
“Well, do you want to be?”  
I put my gloved hand on my chin, looked up to the dark grey sky before sighing.  
“Well, I suppose that wouldn’t be too bad.” I reply, walking forward to stand closer to him. As I looked up into his eyes which seemed to sparkle, he bent down and put his lips on mine. There was no fireworks. Kissing isn’t like that. But my mind did go blank, and my knees lost all ability to hold myself up. This is what I spent time imagining. I was now living my fantasy, and it was better than anything I could ever dream up. Who knew words could be so powerful. And all it took was a nosy sister and a girl who was blind to her own feelings. I was going to have to thank Tuney for sending that letter. The one I never meant to send.


End file.
